West Ham 2-0 Collins

Match report by Chris

So, on the back of a convincing 3-0 friendly victory against a capable but somewhat ineffective Independiente, the stage was set for the intrepid warriors of Michael Collins to take on their toughest test of the season so far against the high flying choir boys of West Ham. The rigours of recent weeks had left the MC slightly depleted with midfield dynamo’s Lee and Stubsy both sidelined, one through a suspected cracked rib, and one suspected to be cracking one off over the ribs of some seedy internet porn hussy. This, along with Victor Guapo’s long term absence, Humberto’s broken watch, and a depth of squad which would have Sir Alex himself dribbling into his porridge, meant that the MC midfield contained a new face. The brusque, bristly Craig ‘ass like a Latina ho’ Coupe was plucked at late notice from the reserves and plunged straight into the murky depths of midfield where he faced the unenviable task of running off his hangover.

So it was, that with stirring team talks and immaculately co-ordinated warm ups complete, the MC set out in compact and committed fashion with the collective goal of keeping things extremely tight in our own half of the pitch whilst looking for pace and a slice of luck or 2 to allow us to snatch something on the counter attack. As the early stages progressed it became apparent that the MC were by no means going to be out classed by this shady bunch of wannabe southerners, and it was in fact the MC who despite giving up a lot of possession looked most likely.

Busy, battling, and composed performances from Juan, Victor ‘Maquina’, and our Terry showed MC’s intent and this was backed up by some good work on the left by JP, the usual assured play of Cedric on the right, and of course the aggressive combative play of the midfield debutant. And so it continued past the half hour mark with a distinct pattern emerging: West Ham frustrated, despite having a lot of the ball, by stern, committed defending from the MC.

Unfortunately, writing this in hindsight, my memories of major incidents during this period are slightly hazy, except, of course, for one.. As the game was heading towards half time still goalless, the MC were to forge what would turn out to be their bet chance of the game. A fine mazy run up the right from the rapid Lluis and a kind deflection lead to the ball rolling through to Chris 5 yards out with just the keeper to beat, the normally trusty striker, however, was foiled, some say, through a combination of the notoriously bobbly Montanesa pitch, the sight of the rather ‘cuddly’ West Ham keeper bearing down on him, and the shiny ball shimmering in the floodlights, and he spooned the ball high and wide when any lesser player would have just scored. Half time 0-0 and the MC were encouraged and even slightly disappointed not to be ahead.

The second half saw the introduction of Humberto in place of JP, which saw him take his place in central midfield and the thus far impressive Craig move out to the left to try and catch his breath. The MC started where they had left off in the first half, proving miserly in defence and starting to exert a little more pressure at the other end. A succession of free kicks and corners highlighted the MC’s best spell of the match and whilst creating a few half chances, that killer touch was continuing to elude them. The ‘lofty’ Terry dispelling the myth that white men can’t jump by rising superbly at the back post to force a fine double save from their tubby stopper, the gutsy ‘Maquina’ and James busting a gut to impose themselves, and the man of the match Craig further dazzling on the left when showing the turning circle of one of his employers cruise ships to get away down the wing. But it was to prove not to be enough, as the thus far frustrated West Ham finally put together a move of real quality to release their man down the right who in turn smashed an annoyingly accurate shot straight into the top corner.

This was a true hammer blow to the valiant MC troops who continued to plug away and although they started to enjoy some better play up front with Lluis and Craig finding some space, they also conceded a few chances with Hugo saving smartly on a few occasions. West Ham then put the game beyond doubt with another fine goal this time smashed into the top corner from the left. This saw MC make a few changes with youth system graduates Caitsu and Doctor coming on for the last 10. Giggs like squad member Mike Roberts was then given the chance to enter the fray when the exhausted Craig collapsed in a rather girly fashion complaining about cramp, or a limp wrist, or something, Roberts, however, refused the opportunity as he was not allowed to step onto the green baize of Montanesa with a lit ciggy in his hand.

And so it ended 2-0. A bitterly disappointing defeat for the MC, yet a hugely encouraging performance in which all players played their part. Many positives can now be taken forward to their eagerly awaited clash with the amiable folk from Sitges next week.